Footie Jokes

After considerable effort and expense a First Division manager succeeded in obtaining' the services of Miodrag Krivokapic and Mixu Paatelainen of Dundee, Dariusz Wdowczwk of Celtic, Detzi Kruszynski of Wimbledon, and Steve Ogrizovic of Coventry.
'Are these boys any good?' asked a colleague.
'I couldn't care less,' said the manager. 'I just want to get my own back on some of these smart-alec TV sports commentators!'

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall - so the referee booked him.

There was a goalkeeper called Walter
Who played on the island of Malta.
But his kicks were so long
And the wind was so strong,
That the ball ended up in Gibraltar.

A burglary was recently committed at Watford's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a yellow and black carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the Portsmouth squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Brian Robson was caught speeding on his way to the West Brom ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

How does Bryan Robson cross the river? Kanu!

Everton have a new sponsor.... easyjet. In and out of europe in 90 minutes!

Q: What do you call a scottish player in the 1st round of the world cup

A: The referee

John Toshack phones Sven to find out how to improve his training methods. "Dustbins" says Sven. Position dustbins around the training pitch and get your players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, it'll improve all round control". The next day Sven's phone rings. "Hi, it's John Toshack here. The dustbin's are winning 3-0. What do I do now?"

Q: What does James Beattie do after Everton beat Liverpool?
A: Turn off his playstation!

Sven Göran Eriksson is on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and makes it all the way to the last question. "right sven" says Chris Tarrant, "You've still got two lifelines left, now for one million pounds, here's your question. Which animal lives in a set? A- Badger, B- Cuckoo, C- Skunk, D- Rabbit.?"
Sven thinks long and hard, and says "I will use my 50-50 please". Computer takes away two answers and leaves Badger and Cuckoo. Sven still can't decide so asks to phone a friend. "Who would you like to call then?" asks Chris. "David Beckham" comes back the answer.
"Hi David this is Chris Tarrant here, I've got Sven here and he needs your help to win a million pounds." Chris hands over to Sven who asks David "Which animal lives in a 'set' David, a badger or a cuckoo?" Beckham, without hesitation, fires back "a badger." Sven seems slightly surprised at the quick response and asks if he's sure. "Yeah definately, I'm 100% sure of it" Becks enthuses. So, Sven decides to go with him and, lo and behold, Sven wins the grand prize. A couple of days later he sees David Beckham and asks him how he knew where a badger lived.
Beckham replied: "Well to be honest Sven I didnt, but everyone knows that cuckoos live in clocks!"

Steve Bruce signs a new superkid from foreign parts. On the first day of training Steve Bruce gets a ball a says "You get this and kick it at the goal" the new superkid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless. Next day of training same thing Steve Bruce says "you get this and score a goal". Again the kid looks bewildered but carries on. third day same thing "You get this and score a goal". Finally the foreign superkid gets up and says "Boss I speak a very good english and know what to to". Steve Bruce says "Sit down son I'm talking to Heskey!"

David Moyles is walking down the street when he sees a dear old gran carrying her shopping he walks over to her and asks her "can you manage dear" the gran replies "get lost you got your self in this mess you can get your self out of it"

David Beckham fell off a horse in Madrid today, snagging his foot in one of the stirrups.
The screams of his wife, Victoria, were heard by the shop owner, who came out and switched the ride off.

Wayne Rooney took his pet duck into a vet it was limp and motionless. He laid his duck on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed way."
A very distressed Rooney wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," he protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. Rooney looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at Rooney and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to Rooney.
Rooney, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", he cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Heard about the man who thought Sheffield Wednesday was a Bank Holiday!

And thought Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

David Beckham is at a conference...
'Keeps your breath smelling minty fresh and just 2 calories'
Beckham's spokesman turns to him and says:
'Mr Beckham...you're here to talk about TAC TICs'

David Beckham is in a shopping centre, getting a can out of the Coke machine. He puts in 50p, gets out a diet coke, puts in 50p, gets out a Fanta, puts in 50p, gets out a Sprite.
After about 10 minutes of this, a young boy in the queue behind him, taps him on the shoulder and says 'Sorry david, I'm in a bit of a rush, can I get in there?'.
'Not now son' replies Beckham 'Can't you see I'm winning here?'

It was the cup final everybody had been waiting for, the insects v the animals.

The first half saw the animals take a 2-0 lead. The Cat was brilliant in goal, the tiger in defence was so committed and won so many tackles, while the giraffe won everything in the air! The Donkey at right back was having a tough game though and hadn't quite got his passing right.
The puma in midfield was a disappointment as he didn't want to dirty his new boots while the hog on the right hand side completely frustrated his team mates by not passing the ball. The Cheetah up front received a yellow card for diving, yet despite all of this the animals found they had a great strike partnership in the two wolves players who incidentally scored the goals.
At half time the commentator John Mothson still felt the insects had a chance if they concentrated on trying to exploit the donkey.

went wild and sang that famous chorus......

Earwig 0, earwig 0, earwig 0

Earwig 0, earwig 0,earwig 0 Earwig 0, earwig 0, earwig 0

Kindly donated by Chris Berry